sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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