I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
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Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
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We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize