first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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