Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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