I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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