Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
