Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
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