the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
