Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Two words: nipple clamps
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