Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
