I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
