I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
