She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
