Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
