I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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