I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
