my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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