I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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