We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
