3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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