I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
