you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
