Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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