apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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