If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
