so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i think i have two assholes
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
