Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
only if we run a train.
done.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
