This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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