I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
