I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
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I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
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