So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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