We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
