I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
