Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just found puke in my bra..
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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