If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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