I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
