Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Let's get the cat blown out
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
