my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Send help, water and tortillas.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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