Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
