no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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