nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
