Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
