did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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