I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Still dying that you shit outside
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
