It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
