so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
