Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
