God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
