I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
