two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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