Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
