My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize