Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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