I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
