Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
