can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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