Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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