either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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