I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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