if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
