DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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