i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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